Tears

So, I consider myself a pretty strong person. Not physically, but emotionally, and just in the general sense of holding life together and balancing various different things... Not that I ever thought I was extremely good at it, but just that I generally could manage.

That was until this weekend.

Or if we are being really honest for about a week this has been visibly questioned and for about a month I have secretly wondered when I was going to drop all the balls I've been juggling.

As much as I desire to be real, transparent, I fail miserably in this area of my life. I can be real about different areas of my life (generally the valleys from which I am currently ascending to the next mountaintop, but hey better late than never, right?) but when it comes to today's struggles it is usually a different story.

So, I dropped all the balls I was juggling today. All of them. I reached my breaking point.

I was supposed to actually be able to attend adult worship today at church. But, one of my pre-school volunteers did not show up, so I stayed to help out in our pre-school department. But that wasn't the last straw.

The last straw happened while we were sitting in our staff meeting after church. Me and the guys. Greg goes around the circle asking everyone how they are doing. Joey; fine. Steven; doing good. Ashlee; avoiding eye contact.

"Are you doing okay?"

"I am just a bit overwhelmed." Fighting with every ounce of strength to hold the tears that have puddled in my eyelids, I answer.

"What are you feeling overwhelmed about?"

"I don't know." The fewest words I could get out, without having all the stored up tears come gushing out in front of the boys.

"Are you overwhelmed because of Church or school or what?"

"Its....(tears) just.....(tears, can't stop them now....) everything...." struggling to reduce the rate at which they are coming out of my eyes, I am wiping away the tears. Long silence. I realize I have explained nothing, but inside of me there is nothing to explain.

I hate crying in front of people. Can't stand it. Even people I love and I know love me.

What Lord, what, are you trying to say to me?

I hear You I just can't seem to make the pieces of the puzzle fit together...

Stop trying.

Slow down.

Breathe.

Listen.

"Worship is an acknowledgment that we are not the strongest, we are not in charge. Worship is grounded in the humble knowledge that we cannot provide all we need. We are desperate. We are helpless. We need this God who intervenes, who speaks firmly and directly, telling us when to sit down. We need a God we bow before, a God we sense we must obey." -Winn Collier

Thank You for this helplessness, God.

Thank You for the desperation in the pit of my soul, Jesus.

And most of all, thank You for intervening in my life.

I am sitting down now, waiting for You.