It's complicated.
I don't want to blog about ALL of it, but somehow I am feeling inclined to do just that.
You remember when you had that first crush. When you were first experiencing those feelings and emotions yourself, instead of through the movies you watched. That one person, no matter how long ago, you can still name in an instant. You can still recount stories and details about that person even if you never really had a friendship.
Well, my first crush ended up becoming one of my best friends in high school. It took me a while to get over my feelings for him, but once I did our relationship quickly became intimate emotionally. We talked about everything, argued about most things, and shared the same close circle of friends. Our faith was like icing on the cake; the sweetest part and what held all the other layers together.
And then, slowly, ever so slowly, the icing was wiped away. He chose his path over His path. He was tired of the "rules" and wanted to have fun...
We have kept in touch sporatically, and even though college took us to two totally different locations, we have both somehow ended up in the Houston area again.
On Valentine's Day he called me. We played phone tag for over a month (literally) and even tried email with little success. Finally, I proposed a lunch meeting.
Tomorrow is the day.
But it is so complicated.
My heart aches. I thought I was nervous about not knowing what to say to him about where his life is headed. I thought I was anxious about offending him or giving him a reason to stop seeking me out.
That is not it at all.
The root of my emotional response was finally clear to me tonight. I fear I might come face to face with the reality that he isn't ready to choose Christ. That he is quite content living life for him, and him alone. That he has found his worth and significance in a multitude of other fading and fleeting things. That the ache for Something more has been temporarily filled.
Oh dear Jesus, show me how to love him with your life-giving Love. May Your life-changing Love permeate every moment of our lunch. May it be about salvation, not condemnation or judgment.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Lunch, phone tag, and first loves...
Posted by Ashlee Liddell at 11:15 PM
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5 comments:
I hope things are going well for you right now. I know you'll find the right thing to say. You always do in blog land.
Thank you Jennifer.
LUnch went well....I am still processing what to do next...
um, i think i need to call you. is this particular someone who i think it is??
very interesting. i do hope things went well and that your processing is clearing things up. don't underestimate yourself, my friend. you are very wise and all will work out.
yes, we need to chat.
Alright, Miss Liddell...I've waited as long as I can.
Inquiring minds want to know!
Well, lunch was good. I felt peace afterwards, but uncertainty about what God wants me to do with the knowledge I now have...
The biggest thing I am praying about is that he told me he has no goal in his life now. (what he was really saying is there is no purpose to his life) Work is easy, money is plentiful, women have always been attracted to him....but there is nothing to work towards....I am just praying that what I said to him will truly penetrate his heart, and that the meaninglessness (is that a word?) of his life will start to eat away at him....
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