I had a light bulb moment tonight.

I don't know if I possess enough humility to share it in its entirity, but something is better than nothing, right?

I have always known that I like order, control, systems, a way things are going to work. This provides me great comfort and peace of mind. I like to know that if A happens B will follow. What I really can't handle is when A produces K one time and S the next.

But you and I both know that this is not how life works. This is not how people live. Sometimes people are going to be mean, sometimes nice. Sometimes parents raise children in stable environments, sometimes they don't. Sometimes people do what they say they will, and sometimes they do not.

And some people hate systems, guidelines, and order. They thrive off of defying these carefully orchestrated (and extremely valuable) systems, proving they are unnecessary and perhaps useless.

The thing I have been realizing lately is that I do not always handle chaos, or my system failing, in the best or healthiest ways.

If things I can't control start going crazy, I attempt to control anything within my reach. My circumstances, my location, my space, or anything that I can totally control.

But in establishing this unhealthy pattern, I have also robbed myself often of the opportunity of learning to love those who are different than me. I have also been robbed of working through challenges to strengthen and build my character, and ultimately robbed of opportunities to become more like Him in my thoughts, actions, and speech.

All of this to say that I believe God is intentionally challenging some of my systems to see if I will rise to the challenge of letting go of control.

I don't really like it one bit.

Okay, not at all.